The girl that i love passed away in a car wreck twenty-six days ago. My initial reaction was that of guilt. Guilt that i should have treated her better. Guilt that i should have offered to drive her. Guilt that somehow this was the devils revenge on me. Looking back, it was a huge dose of arrogance that i managed to tie her death back to me. More importantly, guilt over this incident gave too much credit to the devil; taking God out of the picture. If i am to claim to know an omnipresent God, i have to believe that God is not just an old man riding on fluffy white clouds whisking her away to a place with even more fluffy white clouds. That the same God, that i saw mound and shape her throughout her life, was with her when she got into the car and after.
With God in the picture, my mind began to wonder why this could still happen. Was the world, as described by an old pastor, a constant war between God and the devil, with the devil occasionally winning a battle? No, the constant war in a fallen world perspective lacks an understanding in the power of God. With the way my life is lived, i am not just a far easier target to take out, but also am definitely far less worthy of God’s protection. The same omnipotent God, who i have witnessed change the world, could easily have saved her.
So why did a God who was both present and able to save her let her die? Did He let her die or was it part of God’s divine plan? Maybe it was for a greater good? (Although i have no doubt that greater good would come from this, i do not believe that her death was to allow greater good). Again, this did not jibe with the loving God that i know. The same God who spent considerably efforts to reach me through my over-sized ego, did it not because of “the greater good”. (If this was the case, we all know that i am not worth the effort). God did it because He loves each one of us individually. And the same God who loves us individually would not harm her just for the purpose of “the greater good”.
So why did she die? I am a Christian who is willing to admit that i do not know. This does not mean i will stop grieving. This does not mean i will stop shaking an angry fist at God demanding answers. This means that, in my humanly desires to rationalize her death, i will not theologically reduce the presence, the power, or the love of God. For although reducing an aspect of God will provide easy answers, they are not the right ones in respond to grief.